.p.rae.lu.dium.

was demoralized these few weeks due to some 'unforeseen' bringdown. some of you should know what the letdown is. i'm sure. so please don't bother asking ok? to be point blank, it's a terrible ordeal for me to even look at it. devastated? yes i am. alright, bring it to an end.

my days were barren this month, most of the things done are fruitless. i was thinking that this time i'm done with it. i thought maybe god has something better for me, perhaps another path is awaiting me to step on. i almost made my decision according to what i thought god had 'arranged' for me. still, i felt something awkward, something's telling me that me to reconsider whether or not i should embark on something that i'm not sure i have strong interest in. is that 'something' my intuition? i don't know. weeks were spent like that, i pondered thoroughly. inference is, i should do something my heart desires more. but i have too much of it, *like always*. and again, i let god decide for me, haha..*what i do best*.

another 2 weeks more, 3 of our friends will leave us for further studies. one to scotland, one to india, and the other..... to nottingham (semenyih campus lah) wakaka... i do envy them for they know and will undertake their desired courses respectively. everyone seems to have a goal to achieve, what about me? seems like i'm leaving everything to fate. i do not want it that way. i have my own ambition too. something real big. too big that i'm not certain my current situation would allow me to pursue my own dreams. i do not want to continue being a burden to my family anymore. i want to be independent.

though i know my mom supports me 200%, i do not want things to be that way. she should be enjoying her retirement that time and not still worries about my future. she deserves what is best for her. she should spend on things she desired most and not on what i desired for those money are hers, not mine. she worked hard, real hard for it. hence, if that is the way my fate is destined for, i knew there's always something better that awaits me. 天无绝人之路。hehe..

life isn't blunt end. perhaps you might think i'm creating a self-persuading situation here. but that is the only method to make myself happier and also the people around me happier.

顺其自然吧。老土的说一句：“是你的就是你的，不属于你的，在怎么勉强也不回快乐”