just within a couple of weeks and now it seems eveyone has left. why do i feel so empty? as though i am the only left out one. there's this anonymous pressure resembling something unhappy is gonna happen anytime soon. i know, i know. that cast-away feel is back. i do not want to be a pessimist, but it still is a fact i'll have to face, no second choice.
just a couple of weeks ago, i received an assumed good news from ms. fan. yes, i've passed. passed the DipATCL. it was a good news, but somehow i'm not as excited as i thought i would be. and this is how the sms goes:
Peiying, Congratulations! You've passed your diploma but i still haven't gotten the marks from mr.lim yet.
as i scanned through the words 'you've passed your diploma', at that moment i knew, the marks weren't gonna be as i expected.
and i know that is just the preliminary of my worries.
bearing the worries and that's how i've celebrated my chinese new year.
weeks passed, online hk dramas have become my next best friend after facebook. 3 hours in front of the laptop and that's all i've done for the past couple of weeks. looked for part-time jobs, none replied. FED UP! TOTALLY FED UP!
so today i went to see ms.fan regarding the recommendation letter for NUS music audition, and once i entered the door, bad news strucked! the aftermath of my worries invade. pierced right through my heart!! 58! she said 58! and that's all i've got for my Dip. it felt as though a tight slap on your face from your foe saying >> LOSER!!
minus the marks for programme notes, that means i've only gotten 50 marks for my performance. 50?!?! my bottom line was never 50. 60 was my worse expectation (and my teacher's too). plus 8 marks for programme notes, 68 was what we've both expected. though not a distinction, at least i knew my hard work has paid off. but now..
salt on the wound. very painful that is. i knew my teacher was a little disappointed. perhaps very disappointed. from the look on the face. i knew it.
once again, i've proved my intuition right. unhappy news are going to come one by one very soon. i do not wanna think that way, but i just couldn't help it. 2 weeks from now, another demoralizing news will be received soon. my A-Levels result. my mom is already disappointed for my dip results. i do not wanna disappoint her again. it feels so bad seeing others being disappointed from my cause. i hate it! just HATE IT!
everyone has started off with their uni. what am i still doing at home? a parasite?
a good-for-nothing-parasite?
1 comment:
eh kawan baik, dont worry about your results. it'd be fine. dont put too much pressure on yourself wei! i believe you've done your best for both yourself and your mum (knowing you wouldn't like to disappoint her) :) cheer up k? remember there are always us! not as if we're not gonna be back! know what you really want and go for it! GOGOGO
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